Heart

It is futile and untrue to rise “above” emotions. Ignoring them is fruitless. I want to listen to my heart, not to my head. But my heart has been dormant for some time now. There is an occasional opening through the clouds that reside around it, sadly though, it is more often than not a lighting bolt piercing it’s way down rather than a ray of sunshine.

For most of what I am conscious of, my heart has become more of a receiver and a consumer instead of the radiant core that it used to be, and that I feel like it should be. I cant feel anything, but I can feel that.

However, silence is heavier than noise, and through tranquility and peace, I find myself in a state where it is easier to feel. A sense of connection? Soul? I am happier in a state like this. In fact I don’t feel happy when I’m not in this state. If whatever it is is wisdom, then wisdom is being wise to see how unwise I am.

Yes, I am scared of a time I may not be able to reach the state again. In fact, every time i leave this state I am scared I can never reach it again. The worry for consistency dominates my life. I feel it is not within my reach. Death is the least of my worries.

Sometimes I feel more connected to something that isn’t people. Is it a part of me? Am I really me? Or is the construct of what I think is me, and my full energy, force and matter two identities?

Perhaps I am most scared of not being me.

But then, the longing to mean as much to other people as I mean to me is still heavy. Maybe even more foolishly, the longing to mean more to other people than other people have meant to those other people is also a flame not dwindling.

some people feel the rain…others just get wet

-Bob Marley

One thought on “Heart”

  1. I’ve come back and read this a number of times since you posted it. I find it calming and sincere.

    For what it’s worth, I think many of us have a preference for the solace of solitude. It appears to be solitude to which you refer. The desire to be important to others is also natural (and contradictory, like all proper human things).

    I’m not sure how much Leonard Cohen you’ve listened to, but it strikes me as appropriate, on this day of his death, to commend him to you.

    You’re not alone, in being alone.

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