The Tories have been in the news a lot these past two weeks. Firstly for the new tampon tax. A move described best by comedian Katherine Ryan, “the government are introducing taxes on luxury items such as tampons… Obviously this won’t affect me…I have no need for them…I’m a single mother not royalty” This manoeuvre has been branded as sexiest by many people, not just feminists. They have it all wrong, it’s just purely a misunderstanding of the country’s wealth. David Cameron needs to realise not everyone is willing to pay an arm and a leg for their tampons like he is. Rumours that George Osborne couldn’t afford his tampons in the wake of his tax credits faux paus have yet to be confirmed but MI5 revealed that Good old Dave promised him on the phone that they could share, as long as George stopped making pig jokes.
Another running theme from the Tories at the moment has been people opposing their new laws or budget buisness…AND BEING ALOUD?!? Furthermore, people dislike the drivel spurting out of Cameron’s snout so much, that he doesn’t have enough people to even make a law..lawfully… but don’t worry, they have realised that the upside of being in power is you can make laws that suit yourself. Such as shutting down the chance of any potential opposition stopping laws passing. Not dissimilar to the methods Adolf Hitler used when on his rise to power/evil during the 1930’s. David must be taking inspiration from Adolf’s infamous speeches, after calling Jeremy Corbyn a “Britain Hater” because he did not sing the national anthem. In fairness Hitler’s speeches dont sound so good when you can understand the words in them, perhaps they should have given the gig to Boris instead.
Jeremy Corbyn? A Britain hater? As the prophet Frankie Boyle put it ” Jeremy Corbyn couldn’t be more British if he bled tea!” Let’s be honest, being underdressed for an occasion, facing the dilemma of the only thing clean enough to wear to work is that sweater your grandma gave you and reading your emails at work, are all common things that sum up British people. If only Ed was back, he sung the national anthem all the time, in pristine suits, and never failed to gain respect of the public.
A nice example of some hypocritical dross coming from the Tories recently are the trade union plans. There now has to be 50% of a trade union who want to strike for it to legally go ahead- compared to the mid twenty % majority that saw Boris Johnson elected. This is a costly consequence for a dispute that was most probably about issues with Boris Johnson’s oyster card. Turns out it was in his dirty trouser pocket, but the situation had gone downhill so he gave the drivers a day off out of the kindness of his heart. He probably used it as an excuse not to go to work, which has co-incidentally recently been centered around knocking children over, or falling over himself whilst participating in team sports wearing tight suits. It is good to know a politician is finally giving this county a good reputation.
But don’t worry, Good old Dave can make friends too, specifically dictators. Dave has had visits from both the Chinese leader, and the Egyptian leaders this week. It is also rumoured that Kim Jong Un is coming round for tea next week, however the date is still pending as Kim may be busy winning the Olympics for the fourth consecutive time this year, along with the two winter Olympic titles, the ashes, the football world cup, and the dressage world championships (but lets be honest, they had that one in the bag)
On the other hand I cant sometimes help to feel sorry for the PM, because not everyone knew he was a tw*t last time around. He was surrounded by a racist drunk, who clearly became a politician as part of a dare, a clueless man who you never quite knew if he had a cold or not, and a the respective gangsta of them all- Nick Clegg, who didn’t care about telling the truth or keeping his promises. Really his only oppsition was that of the SNP, but luckily they are based in Scotland so cannot come to parliament and embarrass him all the time…This time his opposition is Jeremy Corbyn. This is worrying for Dave because the British public haven’t got behind an OAP this much since Susan Boyle won BGT.
I am practicing my freedom of speech writing this, I have to, it could be gone soon. Mr.Cameron is planning on riding this country of the excruciating chains of Human Rights and instead creating his own list. Anything could be on this list, I like to think there would be a lists of: his personal top 5 favorite DVD box sets, his top 10 most physically attractive politicians (male and female), and finally his 3 least favorite Eaton initiation ceremonys.